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Monty Python – G20 exclusive!

Our undercover reporters have exclusively discovered that the G20 riot Police were trained by Monty Python.

When heroic Sergeant Delroy Smellie was set upon by a lunatic of a woman, armed to the teeth with BOTH a mobile phone AND a carton of (probably organic) orange juice, his colleagues feared the worst. (click here for footage)

But fortunately Smellie had been trained for exactly such an incident by John Cleese CBE and reacted quickly. He told a close pal -

“Fortunately I had been trained for exactly such an incident by John Cleese CBE and I reacted quickly – managing to punch her in the face before twatting her a couple of times with my stick.

“She should count herself lucky she didn’t come at me armed with a banana!” he quipped. “Or a rasberry” he added, motioning to a 16 ton weight located overhead.

Despite Smellie’s quick reactions he was still sprayed with a rogue burst of orange juice, which eye witness accounts suggest could have been as much as 50 ml, and his mum had to pop his shirt in on a hot wash.

Guide to Brixton. Pt 2 – Parties

Who knows how to throw a banging party better than God? Fucking no-one! That’s who. Which means…….

FACT: Brixton has the most banging parties in the world!

All religions are pretty mental but the Pentecostal Church is probably the mental-most of the lot. When God is in the house it goes OFF!!!

Click here for clip with original sound

But all this hardcore partying doesn’t leave much time for praying which is where Brixton  comes into its own. At the Universal Pentacostal Church you can just pop your prayer on one of their muliple choice prayer cards and they’ll wing it up to God for you (via a dove or something) – leaving you maximum time for having it large.

multiple choice

Sammy's prayer-card

Guiness letter

It’s been two months and still no reply, which has left one poor little boy very upset without even a Guiness (and black) to drown his sorrows in.

Bastards.

guiness1

Photo Finish Of The Week

When we were quickly reading the newspapers at Tesco’s today we came across an absolute pearler of a picture on the front cover of The Times.

At first it looks like a poorly photoshopped, heavy handed metaphor for the election race, but on closer inspection there’s a lot more going on than that.

sprint finish

For intsance, from the knee down the Labour runner’s left leg is about 5 times bigger than his right leg. This would make it almost impossible to run in a straight line and explains Labour’s veering towards more right wing policies over the last few years.

The Conservative runner has two tiny legs showing that he is very light on his feet. This is to show that almost all Tory politicians (97% in the last Census) have a keen interest in rent boys.

Lastly, those racist fucks the BNP were of course represented in this metaphor by a white runner and last we heard he’s lagging a fair way behind. He’s expected to finish on The Times front page at some point over the weekend.

Michael McIntyre poem

There are certain things in life worth fighting against – war, famine, injustice and Michael McIntyre. Sure, his fat face is everwhere these days but that doesn’t mean we have to stand for it.

The fightback starts here with a poem written by God, read by Tommy.

graffiti of the week

Sure, Banksy is great and all but it’s time for a new street artist to step up and become Britain’s premier graffiti-er.

First up – this effort, found on a Matalan poster in Newcastle, which we’ve titled “Style”.

newcastle-graffiti

Note the all important postioning and the attention to detail (hairs) on the ball sack.

Grade: 8/10

ribena letter

Everyone needs a news year resolution and here at Gin Riot we’ve resolved to step up our correspondance.

Our main man Darren has been on the case and sent this letter to Ribena.
ribena

Happy New Year xx