In every single one of the 209 episodes, 3 old-aged pensioners went bombing down a big hill in a tin bath and Compo would try and cop a feel of Nora Batty. Hilarity always ensued. But it was universally agreed the shows best days still lay ahead.
Compo tries to cop a feel in a scene from every single episode of Last of the Summer Wine
“Unfortunately with the current financial climate we just haven’t got the money to keep developing new talent.” said Jay Hunt, controller of BBC One. “It’s a shame. I mean look at Bruce Forsyth – he’s just peeking now after 71 years of honing his act of bad one-liners, tap dancing and leching at woman in ball gowns. Last of the Summer Wine would have probably really hit its stride in another 10-15 years”
But we shouldn’t get too downhearted, the last series promises to go out with a bang. “We’re throwing everything we can think of at the last series! There will be 14 instances of bombing down a big hill in a tin bath, 36 Nora Batty feel-copping attempts and nearly 57 misunderstandings – some due to deafness, the rest down to senility.
Compo and Clegg prepare for a bombing down a big hill attempt
Reports suggest the cuts may not stop there. It’s now feared that there may only be enough money for another 25 years of 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
If two weeks ago X-Factor was like the end of Batman Forever (and it definitely was) then last night’s X-Factor was like the end of Titanic.
The audience was Rose, “John and Edward” were/was the lad Leo played and Olly was the plank that Rose floated off on after Leo died – leaving us/me in floods of tears.
What was especially cruel about it was “John and Edward” had already paid homage to Titanic in their stunning rendition of “Oops, I did it again”, where John (or Edward) had gone down to get the jewel that the “old lady” threw in the ocean at the end to give to Edward (or John).
So they’ve gone but they’ll never be forgotten. Not with the legacy they’ve left behind. In their time on the show they’ve covered Britney (who we love!), Ghostbusters (which we love!), and Ice Ice Baby (which we love!). They even covered a song by Robbie Williams (who we hate!) and made us like that!!!
But bigger than that, they’ve given pride back to white rappers across the globe. They’ve picked up where Vanilla Ice left off with their dancing, lyrical flow and vertical hair. No one can deny that when “John and Edward” rock the mic they ROCK THE MIC, YO!
With that in mind, here’s a list of the best white rappers in history.
5. The British Eminem
This guy can flow. Make sure you catch his improvised freestyle at the end and his pronounciation of Louis Walsh.
When you can bust rhymes on demand, like “Simon Cowell/He thinks he’s it/ He’s nothing but… an asshole!” and “Louis Wash…your not… your band Westlife, they’re okay/ but you’re a fucking asshole!” and then walk off camply, with your shirt tucked in to your trousers, you don’t need the X-Factor, you’re already there.
4. Vanilla Ice
He had the hair, he had the looks, he had the moves – unfortunately he didn’t have an identical twin so he isn’t higher up the list. He did, however, have enough genius about him to combine rap with the Ninja Turtles. Go ninja, go ninja, GO!
3. Blazin Hazen
This “Average Homeboy” was willing to knock on as many doors as it took to catch his big break. The audio is rough, sure, but that cause he wrote the music himself on a keyboard.
Roll the footage – you’ll be “Blazed”
He’s right as well, there aren’t many middle class rappers out there – especailly ones willing to make homoerotic videos.
2. Ant and Seb
Almost a prototype for John and Edward – apart, they were plain old Anton and Seb but together they were “Ant and Seb” (maybe they still are). They were like the Welsh P Diddy and Usher, though when Anton sang by himself he was like Rick Astley.
Here they pick a Peter Andre song, which Ant sings and Seb freestyles over, then they pick a fight with Simon.
1. John and Edward (obviously)
The last (sob) performance of “John and Edward” on X-Factor.
Saturday’s X-Factor started with Simon Cowell staring straight down camera WWF (or WWE) style to call out Sting for insulting the show. It was Simon vs Sting. Finally we’d find out the answer to the age old physics conundrum “What happens when an irrestistible force meets an immovable bell end?” The answer: Not too much.
Sting had criticised the show for being full of karaoke non-hopers, which it pretty much is but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he’s a total bell end. Simon was riled and fired back by….inviting him on the show?
If Sting does ever turn up hopefull he’ll be ambushed by Hollywood Hulk Hogan (best wrestler ever) and The Rock (also the best wrestler ever) and forced to promise to never release another album of him playing the lute or whatever other crazy shenanigans he’s up to these days.
And the drama didn’t end there. “John and Edward” continued their excellent adventure towards achieving total awsome-ness.
That was the end of any drama. Jamie got voted out which was bound to happen. He was nice enough but really there’s no place for rockers on a pop show. He needs to really go for it now to make up for this – get a band and develop a massive heroin habit. At the moment Whitney Houston is more rock than he is.
And then there was the trademark dullness of Olly Murs. Even a broken finger couldn’t stop him and his relentless middle-of-the-road-ness, which raises the questions – “What does he have to break to stop him?” and “Who can we get to do it?”
He’s like a non-alcoholic lager. He’s like when you managed to pull at a party when you were 14 and you’d end up in a room kissing, and rubbing against each other but remaining fully clothed. Its nice enough for the first 30 seconds but soon gets boring, then frustrating, then outright annoying until it all just gets too much so you have to leave the room and go back downstairs to try to have a fight with Andrew Roley.
Basically, Olly is like dry humping after a night drinking Kaliber.
Quick “John and Edward” FACT: John has pointy ears!
Thanks to Tulna Shah for sending us The Daily Mirror Jedward Files
Last night’s X-Factor was utter shit. Our two favourite acts were in the sing-off. On the one hand there was Lucie Jones, who is hot, Welsh and can actually sing and on the other hand there was “John and Edward”, who are “John and Edward”.
It was an impossible decision, almost exactly like the one in Batman Forever (which is also utter shit – click here for our review) when Batman has to choose between saving the two people he loves most in the world – his best bud Robin and whatever bird he was banging in Batman Forever .
Right then. Okay. So, what have we got? Batman was the public. Simon Cowell is the evil Two Face. “John and Edward” are/is Robin. Lucie is whatever that bird was called. Um, The Riddler is, let’s say, Louis. Dermot is …Commisioner Gordon – was he in that film? Cheryl is that brain-wave collecting device thingy. And those evil frogmen things are……. Danni and the rest of the finalists! I mean it’s not exactly the same but it is a little bit the same.
Simon is definitely Two Face, though. Don’t pretend you don’t want or need “John and Edward” in the competition. Don’t call them “horrific” and “apalling” and then save them the first time they’re in trouble. Just admit that they have to be there because the rest of the acts are pretty damn boring.
And there’s no-one more boring than Olly Murs. He manages to combine parts of Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow but unfortunately it’s Robbie’s voice with Gary’s looks and that’s exactly the wrong way around.
To his credit, he has got a permanent shit-eating grin across his wide face which makes him look a bit like Buzz Lightyear, but nowhere near as cool. It’s supposed to be a singing competition though, not a grinning competition. If “John and Edward” are infinity away from average (and they are) then Olly is average “to infinity and beyond” and you can’t get more average than that.
Also, Leona came back to sing a song that was so boring I forgot how it went while I was still listening to it. She did whack the reverb on her microphone up to 11, which is an excellent amount of reverb, so we now know how she’d sound singing in St. Paul’s Cathederal.
Then Dermot interviewed her and man, she is dull as fuck. Sure, she’s got a great voice but she’s got absolutely no personality. And this was the one time she could have said something interesting. She got smashed in the face by a mentalist the other week!
Leona: What have I been up to? Oh, you know. Chilling out. Singing some days, signing books others. Oh yeah! I got smashed in the face by a mentalist the other week. LOL!
Anyway, we’ll miss you Lucie because you were hot, Welsh and could actually sing which should have been enough to win. Now, we’re fully backing “John and Edward” who could release one of the awesome-most Xmas No.1′s of all time!
By the way, at the end of Batman Forever he somehow manages to save both Robin and that bird he’s banging. I can’t remember how – it really is utter shit.
“There are two certainties in life: Death and Taxes!” - so said God on one of his ill received mid-80 ‘s BC electro albums.
Well, big guy, you can add “John and Edward” rocking the microphone to that list of certainties and take off taxes – celebrity hypocrite fuckbag Bono managed to get out of them pretty easily by moving U2’s entire song catalogue from Ireland to Amsterdam. Wanker.
Anyway, I digress, the saying should now read “There are two certainties in life: Death, and “John and Edward” rocking the microphone.”
And how? On Saturday they stepped it up again. Virtually no girls, let alone lads, would have braved singing that Britney song, in those Britney outfits, with that arm-linking dance-routine and then looking into each others eyes as they did the talky bit about the old bint from the end of Titanic. But “John and Edward” did and even added a gay-incestuous-twin-vibe to proceedings – perhaps the rarest of all the vibes.
Of course, vocally they weren’t very good. They weren’t even good. Or average. Or even poor. They were fucking awful but that’s what rocking the microphone is all about – being as far away from mediocre as possible and “John and Edward” are infinity away. That’s how awesome/awful they are.
Who knows how they’re gonna top this? Hopefully at some point in the competition they’ll both cross-dress as school girls and try a gay-incestuous-twin-vibe version of the Britney-Madonna lesbian kiss.
And what about poor ol’ Whitney Houston’s performance? Well, she should get back to her crack addiction. John and Edward are where it’s at!
In the Power Rangers there are five martial-arts-type dudes who, by themselves, are nothing to write home about. But when they combine their powers they become this really big thing (I think) which is called something or other and is boss as fuck!
Well, there’s a similar phenomenon on this year’s X-Factor involving two identical twins from Dublin. Apart, they’re just plain old “John” and “Edward”, but together… they are… “John and Edward!” and they are even bosser as fuck than that Power Rangers thing.
So far, they’ve laughed, they’ve cried, they’ve completely ruined another act’s chances at Bootcamp. They’ve generally been an absolute shower of shite and throughout it all they’ve consistently proved that they have little to no talent at all! But Louis liked ‘em enough to choose them to be one of his acts and thank Christ he did (“Thanks Christ”) because in Week 1 of the live shows they upped the ante even further.
The lights went down, some crap Robbie Williams song started playing and the twins were lowered by rope onto the stage. But something had changed. While they themselves still looked absolutely identical, their clothes now did not look absolutely identical. In a Louis Walsh masterstroke they were dressed like ying and yang with John (or Edward?) wearing a white coat and Edward (or John?) in a black coat! You still didn’t know who was who but you damn well knew when they switched positions.
They pratted about for a bit and then on 1 min 50 the real magic happened. They jumped off a platform, turned to face each other and embarked on some kind of new millenium, bastardized Charleston dance – which hopefully they’ll do every week.
Naturally it was easily enough to keep them in the competition where ideally they’ll stay until around Week 8 or 9 and then they can fuck off forever.
Here’s how the Charleston used to be done before John and Edward (John and Edward) awesomed it up to high heaven.
And here’s old Season 3 favourites the MacDonald Brothers singing Fernando, which has at 1 min 50 (a recurring time for talentless brothers) what Simon Cowell describes as the worst guitar solo he has ever heard in his life! Go MacDonald Brothers!
