And now this (which is on our fridge, at least*) – a squirrel bloody team shot!!!
AND WHAT A TEAM! Back left is BA – hard, surly, just going about his business pitying fools. Face is at front flirting, using his tail to be as sexy as is squirrely possible.
Murdoch is back right and has positioned his tail to make it look like he has gigantic testicles. And back middle is Hannibal, who loves it so much when a squirrel team shot comes together he’s put his arm round his good buddy Murdock.
All these squirrels kinda make a collective Number 1, but Hannibal is the out and out winner cause he seems to love being in a photo as much as we love looking at it.
If two weeks ago X-Factor was like the end of Batman Forever (and it definitely was) then last night’s X-Factor was like the end of Titanic.
The audience was Rose, “John and Edward” were/was the lad Leo played and Olly was the plank that Rose floated off on after Leo died – leaving us/me in floods of tears.
What was especially cruel about it was “John and Edward” had already paid homage to Titanic in their stunning rendition of “Oops, I did it again”, where John (or Edward) had gone down to get the jewel that the “old lady” threw in the ocean at the end to give to Edward (or John).
So they’ve gone but they’ll never be forgotten. Not with the legacy they’ve left behind. In their time on the show they’ve covered Britney (who we love!), Ghostbusters (which we love!), and Ice Ice Baby (which we love!). They even covered a song by Robbie Williams (who we hate!) and made us like that!!!
But bigger than that, they’ve given pride back to white rappers across the globe. They’ve picked up where Vanilla Ice left off with their dancing, lyrical flow and vertical hair. No one can deny that when “John and Edward” rock the mic they ROCK THE MIC, YO!
With that in mind, here’s a list of the best white rappers in history.
5. The British Eminem
This guy can flow. Make sure you catch his improvised freestyle at the end and his pronounciation of Louis Walsh.
When you can bust rhymes on demand, like “Simon Cowell/He thinks he’s it/ He’s nothing but… an asshole!” and “Louis Wash…your not… your band Westlife, they’re okay/ but you’re a fucking asshole!” and then walk off camply, with your shirt tucked in to your trousers, you don’t need the X-Factor, you’re already there.
4. Vanilla Ice
He had the hair, he had the looks, he had the moves – unfortunately he didn’t have an identical twin so he isn’t higher up the list. He did, however, have enough genius about him to combine rap with the Ninja Turtles. Go ninja, go ninja, GO!
3. Blazin Hazen
This “Average Homeboy” was willing to knock on as many doors as it took to catch his big break. The audio is rough, sure, but that cause he wrote the music himself on a keyboard.
Roll the footage – you’ll be “Blazed”
He’s right as well, there aren’t many middle class rappers out there – especailly ones willing to make homoerotic videos.
2. Ant and Seb
Almost a prototype for John and Edward – apart, they were plain old Anton and Seb but together they were “Ant and Seb” (maybe they still are). They were like the Welsh P Diddy and Usher, though when Anton sang by himself he was like Rick Astley.
Here they pick a Peter Andre song, which Ant sings and Seb freestyles over, then they pick a fight with Simon.
1. John and Edward (obviously)
The last (sob) performance of “John and Edward” on X-Factor.
“There are two certainties in life: Death and Taxes!” - so said God on one of his ill received mid-80 ‘s BC electro albums.
Well, big guy, you can add “John and Edward” rocking the microphone to that list of certainties and take off taxes – celebrity hypocrite fuckbag Bono managed to get out of them pretty easily by moving U2’s entire song catalogue from Ireland to Amsterdam. Wanker.
Anyway, I digress, the saying should now read “There are two certainties in life: Death, and “John and Edward” rocking the microphone.”
And how? On Saturday they stepped it up again. Virtually no girls, let alone lads, would have braved singing that Britney song, in those Britney outfits, with that arm-linking dance-routine and then looking into each others eyes as they did the talky bit about the old bint from the end of Titanic. But “John and Edward” did and even added a gay-incestuous-twin-vibe to proceedings – perhaps the rarest of all the vibes.
Of course, vocally they weren’t very good. They weren’t even good. Or average. Or even poor. They were fucking awful but that’s what rocking the microphone is all about – being as far away from mediocre as possible and “John and Edward” are infinity away. That’s how awesome/awful they are.
Who knows how they’re gonna top this? Hopefully at some point in the competition they’ll both cross-dress as school girls and try a gay-incestuous-twin-vibe version of the Britney-Madonna lesbian kiss.
And what about poor ol’ Whitney Houston’s performance? Well, she should get back to her crack addiction. John and Edward are where it’s at!
