Hot on the heels of JLS releasing their own brand of condoms, Take That are now planning to do the same.
Whereas the JLS johnnys are designed for a sensual approach, the Take That condoms are ideal for the back-of-a-taxi moment or down-an-alley encounter.
Each member of the group will have their own coloured box with their face on it and there will be subtle differences in the products. Gary Barlow’s are for fat cocks, Mark Owen’s for the smaller man and the Robbie Williams condoms must be kept in the closet.
But Scientists warn that although the Jason Orange and Howard Donald ones may look like perfectly good condoms but they don’t actually do anything.
Other pop stars thought to be cashing in are Olly Murs who is releasing his own lubricant made from pure grease and Shakin’ Stevens who has inspired a new brand of vibrator.
In the Power Rangers there are five martial-arts-type dudes who, by themselves, are nothing to write home about. But when they combine their powers they become this really big thing (I think) which is called something or other and is boss as fuck!
Well, there’s a similar phenomenon on this year’s X-Factor involving two identical twins from Dublin. Apart, they’re just plain old “John” and “Edward”, but together… they are… “John and Edward!” and they are even bosser as fuck than that Power Rangers thing.
So far, they’ve laughed, they’ve cried, they’ve completely ruined another act’s chances at Bootcamp. They’ve generally been an absolute shower of shite and throughout it all they’ve consistently proved that they have little to no talent at all! But Louis liked ‘em enough to choose them to be one of his acts and thank Christ he did (“Thanks Christ”) because in Week 1 of the live shows they upped the ante even further.
The lights went down, some crap Robbie Williams song started playing and the twins were lowered by rope onto the stage. But something had changed. While they themselves still looked absolutely identical, their clothes now did not look absolutely identical. In a Louis Walsh masterstroke they were dressed like ying and yang with John (or Edward?) wearing a white coat and Edward (or John?) in a black coat! You still didn’t know who was who but you damn well knew when they switched positions.
They pratted about for a bit and then on 1 min 50 the real magic happened. They jumped off a platform, turned to face each other and embarked on some kind of new millenium, bastardized Charleston dance – which hopefully they’ll do every week.
Naturally it was easily enough to keep them in the competition where ideally they’ll stay until around Week 8 or 9 and then they can fuck off forever.
Here’s how the Charleston used to be done before John and Edward (John and Edward) awesomed it up to high heaven.
And here’s old Season 3 favourites the MacDonald Brothers singing Fernando, which has at 1 min 50 (a recurring time for talentless brothers) what Simon Cowell describes as the worst guitar solo he has ever heard in his life! Go MacDonald Brothers!
